5 ways to find and fortify your values and empower your life
We’d all like to have more control over our lives and our destiny. But how can we make it happen?
Gandhi had said the following:
“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”
In other words, if we want to create positive outcomes in our lives, we need to identify our core beliefs and then live them out. It sounds simple - but in practice, it can be anything but.
A friend once told me he was against killing animals. Then, a year later, he said he was going on a bird hunt - a family tradition. Harvard University professors Drs. Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey talk about this integrity issue in their book Immunity to Change. They say that people will say one thing and do another—even if it is a life or death issue—because their genuine intention is not inline with their assumptions of who they are. In order for my friend to align his actions with his stated personal value, he would have to address his beliefs about who he is.
If we truly want to live out our values, we have to take action. As Simon Sinek says, values are verbs. He says: “always tell the truth” has more ring to it than “be honest.” So in this case, saying: “never kill animals” would be better than “be against killing animals,” but being able to say that would require a change in core belief.
Determining our own values - so that we can live them out with integrity - is a process. Asking ourselves who we want to be, and watching how we actually act, take time. So I began writing this piece as a journey, exploring different ways to get clear on my own values. Here are six strategies I employed and found helpful - and I share them here in hopes that you might, as well.
1. Identify your top ‘value verb’ and small changes you can make. Using my coaching school’s “Reorient Around Your Values” program, I selected 20 values from a predetermined list of mostly actions (verbs!). Then, I threw out those “values” that were needs or things that I do in order to get something else, or things that don’t come easily (“shoulds”). My list narrowed to five: Beauty, To Catalyze, To Contribute, To Create, and Mastery. Then, I picked one of the five, “To Create” and came up with 10 life changes that were aligned with that value, such as “design a new garden,” “polish 5 piano pieces” “perfect 10-11 katas,” etc... These changes could be done within the next 90 days. In a month or so, I plan to do the same thing with the other four values.
2. List what you love - and hate - in yourself and others. Using google, I found self-assessments and a tip that recommended listing what I most despised in myself and others: (betrayals, dishonesty, cruelty, inefficiency/neglect, stupidity, pig-headedness, entitlement). And then identifying the opposites: fidelity, honesty, kindness, efficiency/care, good sense, open-mindedness, humility.
3. Revisit the wisdom of Stephen Covey. I reread Stephen Covey’s books and the parts on how our values should be principle-centered. Principles are immutable, laws of nature. In his books, Covey gives the example: you can’t sow your crops one day and expect to harvest them the next. We can’t change our behaviors, if we don’t know our beliefs, morals, and values, as best illustrated by his quote: “People can't live with change if there's not a changeless core inside them.”
4. Embrace Your Intuition. I hired leadership coach Vicki Haddock, who used a less cerebral, more meditative technique that connected me to my intuitive—or higher—self to identify what was important to me. My list was self-generated and a reflection of what I was feeling and thinking that day: Seek the truth, keep a big picture, be grateful, walk the talk, be courageous, assume the best in others, nurture, trust yourself, embrace serenity, beauty, be compassionate, and educate.
5. Start with Why. I attended a Simon Sinek “Start With Why” experiential webinar, read his book, and rewatched his popular Golden Circle Ted talk, during which he explains that the “Why” actually catalyzes people to action, not merely the “What” and “How.” I was paired up with another participant and we worked on each other’s messages. The webinar resulted in the following “why message:” “To help people learn the best versions of themselves so that they can live impactful and meaningful lives.”
6. Think Like a Monk. I read Think like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day by Jay Shetty, in which he says to look at your calendar and at your expenses. Where you spend your time and your money can give you an idea of where your values lie. Look at your "wants" and write them down.Then ask yourself, why? Then question... do any of them not come easily? If so, they are probably "shoulds" and are therefore not values? Looking into my calendar, I found piano lessons and practices, runs, karate classes, dog walks, coaching sessions, and admin, indicating that I value creating, catalyzing, and mastering as well as health and connection.
Identifying our values can be a complex process - and living them out, even more so. But if we truly want to take control over our lives, it’s essential to get clear on what we care about - and what we can’t stand - so that at the end of the day, we’re living in integrity.
