Dr. Paul Hokemeyer | What are the 3 barriers to living a ‘good life’ for the rich and powerful?

Each and every one of us has thought about what we would do if we were to win the lottery. Would we quit work? Would we give most of it away to charity? Would we build a house for our parents? Would we hang out on beaches and drink pina coladas all day?

There are many stories of individuals who—after a windfall—have either piddled away their fortunes or continued working, amassing even more money. Interestingly, both of these groups have similarities as you will read ahead.

We know that money doesn’t bring happiness, but a certain amount does. A few years ago, researchers at Purdue University and the University of Virginia did a study that concluded that $95,000 was the ideal income for individuals, and $60,000 to $75,000 was necessary for emotional well-being. 

So why aren’t those richer than $95,000 happier with the added cash? 

We asked psychotherapist Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, aka “Dr. Paul,” what he thinks, as he is specialized in treating people on both ends of the economic and power spectrum. 

Dr Paul started off his career working in a free clinic in Los Angeles, where he treated marginalized populations, including the underprivileged and LGBT. He moved to NYC, where he began working with a polar opposite folk: the rich and famous. Soon, he saw a commonality in the extremes. Both the very poor and the very rich were stigmatized and held in contempt by society. He witnessed how this attitude permeated even the helping professions, impacting the neutrality of clinicians treating both “cultural” groups.

In his recent book Fragile Power: Why Having Everything is Never Enough, Dr. Paul shows examples of clinicians who lack the knowledge and compassion to help the moneyed and powerful cultural group. He also identifies three cultural “markers” or things that all individuals in this group have in common.

These are: 1) isolation, 2) suspiciousness of strangers, and 3) hyper-agency. Dr. Paul defines hyper-agency as the “mastery in manipulating one’s life to avoid discomfort.”

So if avoiding discomfort isn’t good or healthy in life, then what is? We sent Dr. Paul some questions and the following are his answers.

Q: Why is breaking out of isolation and trusting strangers so important for healing?

Human beings are built for connection. It’s hard wired into our DNA. We come out of the womb completely dependent on another human being's love, nurturance and protection for our survival. While this complete dependence wanes over time, we remain dependent on other people’s emotional support our entire lives. I don’t, however, believe in trusting strangers absolutely. To be healing, our vulnerability must be given to people who are worthy of our trust. In my work, I refer to this as ‘strategic vulnerability’. It involves pushing ourselves through our resistance to be intimate, but intentionally and with supports in place to protect us. This is especially true for people who have experienced any type of trauma in their developmental path. Through the practice of strategic vulnerability, we are able to challenge ourselves to connect our humanness with the humanness of others and in the process evolve and repair.  

Q: Could using one’s wealth to avoid discomfort lead to a life void of meaning and hence, less “happiness”?

We’ve been taught that money is a panacea for any challenges that may come our way. While certainly, money is important, it’s not a panacea and believing it is can lead to a host of challenges and limitations to our evolution and repair. The purpose of life is to learn and grow. We must adapt to the constant changes that are at the heart of life. If we don’t, we will stagnate and drown in toxicity. Money—its worship, its stewardship and its pursuit—cannot be the primary focus of our lives. They need to be secondary considerations of a life that is dynamic, constantly changing and in search of meaning and purpose. 

Q: It has often been said that it takes one generation to make money and one to lose it. What do you think about the theory that perhaps the generation that made money indulged its progeny, making it weak and unable to cope with discomfort?

Money is an energetic. It’s like electricity. It can create wonderful things when properly channeled but if misapplied, it can lead to destruction, destitution and death. In cases where I’ve been called in to help alter a family course following the later trajectory, I observe family dynamics where money has come to be used as a vehicle of expression. In these families money is used to convey approval or disapproval, respect or rejection, control or permission. To alter this relational dynamic, I help families see how they are using money to communicate and interact, what meaning it holds for them and what messages they are conveying to their family members. Once these messages become clear, we then create strategies to communicate and interact more effectively.   

Q: How do we grow as individuals, if we can learn to cope with our discomfort?

Human beings are genetically wired to move in a healing direction. Because we are possessed of the most developed, rational brains of any mammals, we have the gift of reflection. We analyze the past and strategize for the future. Discomfort is an integral part of this process. Through it, we find the motivation to push ourselves towards higher, more evolved, reparative states of being.  

Q: So what is “living a good life” then, if avoiding discomfort isn’t such a good thing?

Living a good life means living a life that’s intentional and diversified. Intentional means we pursue opportunities that reflect our individual values, add value to our families and the communities, and respect and steward the planet we have the privilege of occupying. Diversification means we need to strive for balance between the quantitative and qualitative aspects of our lives. We must work to find security in the quantitative, material realms of life while simultaneously striving to maximize the qualitative, relational aspects of it.