5 ways to find and fortify your values and empower your life
We’d all like to have more control over our lives and our destiny. But how can we make it happen?
Gandhi had said the following:
“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”
In other words, if we want to create positive outcomes in our lives, we need to identify our core beliefs and then live them out. It sounds simple - but in practice, it can be anything but.
A friend once told me he was against killing animals. Then, a year later, he said he was going on a bird hunt - a family tradition. Harvard University professors Drs. Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey talk about this integrity issue in their book Immunity to Change. They say that people will say one thing and do another—even if it is a life or death issue—because their genuine intention is not inline with their assumptions of who they are. In order for my friend to align his actions with his stated personal value, he would have to address his beliefs about who he is.
If we truly want to live out our values, we have to take action. As Simon Sinek says, values are verbs. He says: “always tell the truth” has more ring to it than “be honest.” So in this case, saying: “never kill animals” would be better than “be against killing animals,” but being able to say that would require a change in core belief.
Determining our own values - so that we can live them out with integrity - is a process. Asking ourselves who we want to be, and watching how we actually act, take time. So I began writing this piece as a journey, exploring different ways to get clear on my own values. Here are six strategies I employed and found helpful - and I share them here in hopes that you might, as well.
1. Identify your top ‘value verb’ and small changes you can make. Using my coaching school’s “Reorient Around Your Values” program, I selected 20 values from a predetermined list of mostly actions (verbs!). Then, I threw out those “values” that were needs or things that I do in order to get something else, or things that don’t come easily (“shoulds”). My list narrowed to five: Beauty, To Catalyze, To Contribute, To Create, and Mastery. Then, I picked one of the five, “To Create” and came up with 10 life changes that were aligned with that value, such as “design a new garden,” “polish 5 piano pieces” “perfect 10-11 katas,” etc... These changes could be done within the next 90 days. In a month or so, I plan to do the same thing with the other four values.
2. List what you love - and hate - in yourself and others. Using google, I found self-assessments and a tip that recommended listing what I most despised in myself and others: (betrayals, dishonesty, cruelty, inefficiency/neglect, stupidity, pig-headedness, entitlement). And then identifying the opposites: fidelity, honesty, kindness, efficiency/care, good sense, open-mindedness, humility.
3. Revisit the wisdom of Stephen Covey. I reread Stephen Covey’s books and the parts on how our values should be principle-centered. Principles are immutable, laws of nature. In his books, Covey gives the example: you can’t sow your crops one day and expect to harvest them the next. We can’t change our behaviors, if we don’t know our beliefs, morals, and values, as best illustrated by his quote: “People can't live with change if there's not a changeless core inside them.”
4. Embrace Your Intuition. I hired leadership coach Vicki Haddock, who used a less cerebral, more meditative technique that connected me to my intuitive—or higher—self to identify what was important to me. My list was self-generated and a reflection of what I was feeling and thinking that day: Seek the truth, keep a big picture, be grateful, walk the talk, be courageous, assume the best in others, nurture, trust yourself, embrace serenity, beauty, be compassionate, and educate.
5. Start with Why. I attended a Simon Sinek “Start With Why” experiential webinar, read his book, and rewatched his popular Golden Circle Ted talk, during which he explains that the “Why” actually catalyzes people to action, not merely the “What” and “How.” I was paired up with another participant and we worked on each other’s messages. The webinar resulted in the following “why message:” “To help people learn the best versions of themselves so that they can live impactful and meaningful lives.”
6. Think Like a Monk. I read Think like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day by Jay Shetty, in which he says to look at your calendar and at your expenses. Where you spend your time and your money can give you an idea of where your values lie. Look at your "wants" and write them down.Then ask yourself, why? Then question... do any of them not come easily? If so, they are probably "shoulds" and are therefore not values? Looking into my calendar, I found piano lessons and practices, runs, karate classes, dog walks, coaching sessions, and admin, indicating that I value creating, catalyzing, and mastering as well as health and connection.
Identifying our values can be a complex process - and living them out, even more so. But if we truly want to take control over our lives, it’s essential to get clear on what we care about - and what we can’t stand - so that at the end of the day, we’re living in integrity.
Dr. Constant Mouton | How professionals can build community and stay mentally healthy during the pandemic
The benefits of building community have been well proven, but often, we feel we don’t have time to do so outside our work and family obligations.
But there are serious mental health risks associated with not-disconnecting from work according to psychiatrist and addiction recovery specialist Dr. Constant Mouton.
"If work and/or family are your only community, then you get into trouble with things like burnouts," Mouton says. Family and work are important but they can't meet all of our social needs. If we rely too much on family or colleagues, we will miss out on opportunities for personal and professional growth.
Burnout occurs when the feeling of overwhelm, emotional drain, inability to meet constant demands continues for six months or more and we begin to lose interest and motivation in certain roles that we took on in the first place.
In the Netherlands, where Mouton works, people who have been experiencing serious stress for less than six months can apply for sick leave and are asked to participate in various coaching activities, including finding activities in communities.
“In the Netherlands, much is focused on self care, wellbeing, finding balance and finding communities that lighten your spirits and lighten your burden - like a counterforce to work,” he says.
Mouton’s lectures on the neurobiology of addiction and burnout are quite similar. "I can just as well use that same lecture for burnout because the biological ways and the roots are very similar to burnout. It's all sympathetic overload, you have to work with your parasympathetic nervous system. You have to do a lot of winding down and calming down, mindfulness."
Community outside of work and family is a choice and it provides us with—what Mouton refers to as—collective resilience.
“The real difference is that family is a group of people who are closely related to one another by blood or marriage or adoption, or nowadays also by choice,” he says. “Community is often a choice.”
“By building these communities, in the same way that we build family relationships, we can actually access that collective resilience and strength in everything we do and all the work we do to overcome adversity, trauma, loss, discrimination, all of those things,” he says. “Both families and communities have a lot in common. They support us in finding connection with others and that helps us grow and develop and also heal. Families and communities are really an abundant resource for stories and shared beliefs. And that makes us understand our process in a current situation.”
Dr. Mouton is certified in a unique kind of interventions, working long-term and with total transparency, with families whose members suffer from addictions and various mental health issues. In his work, he uses a "5 to 1" ratio. It takes five care professionals to replace one family member. And the equivalent of a minimum of 3.3 family members are needed for successful outcomes during such interventions.
"If you help people find communities that can support them, that will help them process things and aid the recovery as well,” he says.
“The function of a community is about that connection, mutual support, social participation, cooperation, and it’s usually towards a certain goal,” Mouton says.
“I just love the African proverb: ‘If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together” says the South African native.
Mouton recommends joining three different types of communities that are aimed at higher goals. "In finding them, look for groups that meet up with your core beliefs, but that also add something to your life in terms of what you like or what you aspire to be." Do something for your body, your mind, and your soul.
Body-wise: running club, a gym or fitness or a judo, karate or whatever you're into.
Mind: take up a hobby that kind of sparks your imagination, like art class or writing or something creative
Spiritual: like yoga or meditation
“This way you cover all bases. It’s quite nice because you combine self-development with community,” he says. The rest and relaxation helps to disconnect from work and other obligations.
What if it feels like no one in your area has your interests, goals, norms, and values?
A traditional community would be referred to as a collection of people within a geographical area, but Mouton says there that today thanks to technology, the community can be online.
"The community doesn't have to be local. You can also find things online. There's also more out there than you think. The first step is to always dare to be vulnerable and to look for the others that don't fit the mold. The internet is a wonderful resource for those kinds of things. Nowadays with modern technology, things like Zoom and platforms, you don't need to be limited by your geography.”
Does one start with interests or values?
"You might start with interests and then work out the norms and values amongst each other. I think if you're an outsider who wants to join a community that's already there because the community has a life of its own. It's also an entity of its own. The norms and the values are there already.
"You find communities that have a common goal. It can be one that is trying to overcome a potential threat, like discrimination, "which is in the media of late."
What if we are expats?
If you live in a foreign country, and depending on the cultural boundaries, you could ask for recommendations at work. “If you're an expat, it is best to start with expat communities and branch off from there.”
What if we are older than 29?
The older we get the more difficult it seems to make friends. When we are young we are "less inhibited" and that's got to do with the brain and prefrontal cortex development. "In our 40s, we become more reserved as we get older. We know ourselves better... So in a way, we get more particular with whom we want to be friends or not."
What if we are single?
Single people need not despair. It is a good thing to be individualistic and do your own thing whether you are single or in a relationship.
"In the Netherlands, people often go out with friends and leave their partners at home and say, well, this is a friends' evening and I'll see you later. This is quite acceptable."
So join a running or a yoga club, take up a hobby, and something creative that you can do. All of this can help you live a richer, more resilient life and help you in both burnout prevention and cure. The basic resilience is there already.
Dr. Judith Landau and Daria Tolstoy | 5 compassionate strategies any leader can use to to combat family challenges
Dr. Judith Landau
Drama at home can derail any leader in his or her effort to be present, aware, selfless, and compassionate at work and in life.
Take the following two case studies, for example.
Daria Tolstoy
A congresswoman—working on key legislation—learns that her drug-addicted brother has conned their elderly father into loaning him yet another sum. Or, the CEO—closing a deal while on a business trip—learns that his 11-year old son used a hammer to destroy the kitchen countertops and now threatens his mother, because she confiscated the video game controls and sweets.
Whether biological or chosen, our families are important. They provide a sense of belonging and of being loved. Research shows that people in strong families are healthier, get their needs met and express their values more often than people in struggling families. People in strong families are less likely to be filled with self-doubt. Knowing our family is there gives us the courage to take calculated risks needed to succeed professionally and personally.
During difficult times, such as when there is illness, estrangement, abuse, divorce or death, the whole family suffers.
For any leader who wants to address the family challenges that may be holding them back, personally and professionally, here are five strategies that can help.
1. Find our own meaning
The best way to deal with a difficult family member who may have hurt us, says Dr. Judith Landau, world-renowned child, family and community neuropsychiatrist, is “by finding our own meaning and purpose in life, and by resolving whatever it is.”
The work of restoring—if possible—any relationships with our spouse, our parents, or our relatives and fixing anything unresolved or negative with our children is only possible if we focus on our purpose.
There are many forms of purpose besides the altruistic kind, including survival, religion, accumulating wealth and fame, personal and spiritual development and creativity.
Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote about purpose in his book Man’s Search for Meaning and observed that those fellow inmates who survived were those who felt they had a purpose. He concluded that meaning or purpose can be found in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" and that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances".
To do the work of finding one’s purpose, Laudau advises asking the help of a therapist, a pastor, a philosopher, or a spiritual guide.
2. Choose our language wisely
Words matter. They can be wise, or they can be weaponized. And within the family, diplomacy is preferable to warfare. When talking about family members and other people, it is crucial that we choose our language wisely.
Landau says:
“Negative words are static, not mobile. When one uses the word ‘toxic,’ how do you recover from that? Isn’t it better to use ‘someone who’s survived trauma’? This gives room for change. Even ‘dysfunctional’ is better as it implies that that person has the capacity to drop the ‘dys’ under different circumstances.”
Landau is weary of the popular use of the term narcissist. “People usually use those terms because they don’t like somebody or they don’t like their behavior. It’s a diagnosis and shouldn’t be used loosely. Some people who behave in a narcissistic way are simply deeply injured. Their maturity may have been compromised. They are acting as smaller children, or more immature people,” she says.
3. Understand where they’re coming from
Restoring difficult family relationships can be hard. Family members are human beings who are, by their nature, imperfect. Coming to terms may just be enough.
“It may require taking a broader perspective and understanding why that person became abusive,” Landau says.
Understanding the origin of the abusive behavior is necessary.
“Sometimes the origin of behavior is just sheer wicked. I am thinking of people who are really egocentric… Every bully and liar I have ever treated has had to lie to an unforgiving parent because they did not accept them as they were, which could have been because they didn’t have the intellectual capacity or they weren’t able to play a sport or they had learning challenges. They learned to cover up and to bully to gain control and to lie to please the parent. If we can get to the core meaning of that behavior and it’s there, rather than a sociopath with horrible intentions, for the most part one can understand and forgive. Forgiveness is so much at the heart of moving forward.”
But what if we’ve got someone in the family who is a sociopath?
“You have to get to a point of acceptance and distancing,” Landau advises. “Find whether there is anything of meaning within the relationship and if it’s a family member, do they have any redeeming qualities that you can enjoy or not?”
Does it mean cutting them out entirely?
“It’s not realistic with family,” Landau says. “We can’t move beyond. We have to find a way of coming to terms, even if it’s just forgiveness. Yes, he’s a sociopath; he behaves abominably. I make a choice. I will not participate in bad behavior. I will not participate in wrongdoing, but there is a blood connection. There is a part of him that still cares for his mother or his child, and I will only interact with him around this good quality. It’s not even forgiveness. It’s developing the capacity for tolerance and understanding.”
According to Landau, we need to separate the person from the behavior, and we need to start doing it with our children when they are young. For instance, saying the following is crucial: “I love you, but I do not like what you just did.”
“We start with our kids when they are very little to separate out the core of the human from the behavior. We have to do this with ‘badly behaved’ family members,” Landau says.
How do we support and love a family member who is struggling?
“You just love and support them. It’s a huge question. That’s all you can do! Let them know you love them but you don’t love their behavior,” she says.
4. Set boundaries
Setting boundaries “is absolutely essential to being able to live with other people,” says Landau.“We need boundaries at every level of our lives to feel safe.”
Landau often sees young children who become increasingly violent due to over-permissive parenting and lack of boundaries. Examples she gives are the 10-14-year old patients she has treated who have done thousands of dollars of damage to their homes because they were never told: “This is the limit.”
“We all have to know what is our limit,” Landau says. “If you think of a cardboard box, and little kids start pushing against those walls, if they fall down, they will feel unsafe and they will push further and further.”
Landau sees this in people who occupy positions of power, such as dictators or CEOs, who continue unchallenged and unstopped.
5. Pass on the right behaviors to our kids
For any leader who has had a difficult upbringing, a central question emerges when they decide to have kids of their own: how can we avoid replicating past patterns and passing on dysfunction to our own children?
“When there is conflict, it's never in isolation, says Daria Tolstoy, a systemic therapist and executive coach working in Lausanne, Switzerland. “When something in the family is not functioning right, the child will show it. Children are often stigmatized. If the couple has problems, the child will start to act out."
According to Tolstoy, fixing things and making sure that we are passing the right behaviors on to our kids requires an attitude of choice rather than obligation.
“Otherwise our kids will doubt our love,” Tolstoy says.
“Give the children love, more love and still more love – and the common sense will come by itself,” says Tolstoy, quoting author Astrid Lingreen, author of Pippi Longstocking. “I really like that. Often, parents love their children, but struggle to show it. Often there are double binds. Kids start to ask themselves, ‘do my parents really love me?’ It is more important to love for just being, rather than doing. Parents can be too anxious. Let children live. There's a balance. Constantly have a natural connection with your children. I don't agree with the quality over quantity. You can't squeeze quality into a small amount of time. Parents need to walk the talk.”
Being the loving parent and the disciplinarian is key. Landau adds that if discipline is part of loving in child raising, “you never have the dichotomy and the extreme discipline needed.”
But what if discipline didn’t begin when they were young? “You need family therapy and parenting classes,” Landau says.
Disciplining children is about being assertive. Tolstoy advises saying: “You know the rules in the family. This is what I want." (Don't focus on what you don't want.)
How do we deal with distractions and detractors, such as kids playing too many video games? Tolstoy says: “Gaming addiction is linked to pleasure. There are other pleasures. Young girls, who are anorexic, are another example. There is no pleasure in their lives. Invite them to come along to something else that gives pleasure.”
“Take things step-by-step over a long time and think long term,” Tolstoy says. “We are so tired and fed-up, we want to fix things now, but just because you've dealt with something for 10 years, doesn’t mean it will go away overnight but it will not take 10 years to fix it.”
In order to be effective, leaders need to be mindful of their personal relationship dynamics and how that is shaping them. Seeking out the help of experts is key if one is to strengthen one’s family.
Daniela Rusu | What are standards and how to raise them to reach higher levels of confidence
We’ve all had the experience of coming across someone so beguilingly confident that we are left wondering how they got that way.
I came across such a person 15 years ago at a dinner party. The hostess had just offered me seconds. I was full, so I wanted to say “no,” yet I wanted to please her even more. So, ignoring my body, I said: “Sure, why not. Thank you.” After serving me the food, the hostess offered seconds to the beautiful 70-year-old woman seated next to me, who replied, “no, thank you,” with a calm certainty. Still smiling, the hostess moved on to the next guest.
The effect on me was powerful. I had never witnessed a “no” said with such serenity. In an instant, I yearned for this wise woman’s authenticity. I’ve often looked back on that moment and wondered how secure in herself she must have been. I’ve made progress on saying “no,” having worked on identifying and meeting my needs and establishing and maintaining boundaries. I now realize that for my “no” to come off with ease, it needs to be based on my personal standards.
Daniela Rusu is another person I met recently whom I admire for her high leadership standards. She is a certified professional coach, training designer, facilitator, and speaker based in the Lausanne area.
Born and raised in Vama, a hillside village in Romania, Daniela grew up under communism. At 11, she gave a speech — on her school’s contribution to a clean environment — in front of 2,500 people. At 18, she became a teacher. At 42, she got her Master’s in International Business Development from the University of Neuchâtel, after having enrolled in an organizational leadership program at the International Institute for Management Development (IMD), where she developed a branding project for Cisco Systems.
Now she is helping people become better leaders and coaching corporate executives. She says her leadership experience as a child under communism may have helped her become what she is today.
“It was a lot like the scouts. Every school was a unit and had its own commander who was elected from the top students. People believed in me.”
The people chose her, because until grade eight, Daniela had had the best grades, had performed in competitions in the town’s traditional dance group and had been reciting poetry. She had shown the people that she was someone who did her best and who engaged herself in the cultural life of her community. She had stepped up and had exhibited high standards.
WHAT ARE STANDARDS?
Standards are not “shoulds,” but rather something so automatic that they are ingrained in the self.
“A standard is a must,” says Daniela. “I have this saying:
“Tell me what you’ll settle for and I’ll tell you what your standards are.’ Sometimes you settle, you make compromises, and you die inside.”
“A value is also extremely important, but you aren’t going to pursue it actively,” Daniela says. “I work with what’s real for you and what’s true for you. We go towards your joy and what brings you satisfaction. When you know you are in line with your values and your purpose, then everything aligns.”
HOW DO STANDARDS DIFFER FROM BOUNDARIES?
“Boundaries set your territory and are based on your standards. The higher your standards are, the more clear and strong your boundaries will be. It’s all linked to self-esteem and what you believe about yourself. Lower standards allow others to pass through your boundaries, going in and out as they please. They allow you to be manipulated, stretched and pushed, because you don’t stand up for yourself. These are the inner standards: ‘Sometimes I am so confident in myself that I don’t even need boundaries, because they come automatically.’ Explicit boundaries are needed when you aren’t sure and you need to protect yourself.”
HOW DO YOU RAISE YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS?
“The first thing that I do with clients is to look at the Wheel of Life and ask them to assess their level of satisfaction in all the areas of their lives. Standards are a reflection of how we see ourselves. It all boils down to who you think you are. What is your self-image? What do you believe about yourself? For me, it’s a threshold. What do you allow? What do you allow others? What do you allow yourself?
“I ask clients how they see the world, what mindsets they have, and how they relate. For me it doesn’t matter if the standards are low or high; what I am most interested in is from where the standards originate. They have to come from your center, which is why I have my personal development program, “The Inner Leader”.
“Every time you need to raise standards, the question is: Who do you think you are to have that standard at that level? And who do you become to raise it to that level? It’s good to have role models.
“Another thing that I have learned is that we cannot admire people who inspire us — nor admire their qualities — if we don’t already have those qualities in ourselves. Interestingly, we can only see things that we know and have a reference for. The same is true for judgments, both positive and negative. When we judge something in somebody else, we have that thing within ourselves.”
CAN YOU PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE OF STANDARDS IN YOUR OWN LIFE?
“When I was pregnant, I would not allow myself to get stressed at my job. It was not about me — it was about the baby. I did everything on time, but one client complained that I wasn’t stressed enough. She thought it meant I was not working. Some people have to see you running around like a headless chicken, sweating, to think that you are working. To this client, the fact that I was serene meant that I didn’t do much. In my work, I see we have developed a culture, in which people have to be busy to have value and to be important.”
Daniela is a role model and a wise coach. What a pleasure it was talking to a person with such inner strength.
Now, when the hostess offers me seconds and my stomach is full, I automatically respond from: “I am someone who takes extremely good care of myself, and I eat until I am 80% full.”
Now… if I could just be someone who meditates every morning without fail…
Daniela Rusu is certified with the International Coach Federation (ICF). She uses neuropsychology and neurobiology principles, the Energy Freedom Technique (EFT), neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), non-violent communication and mindfulness methods. She has trained in interpersonal and organizational communications and management, and international business development. Her two brands are Quantum Communications for corporate coaching and The Inner Leader for individual coaching and personal development.